Tuesday, December 8, 2009


I'm in a mood today.

Partly because I am so tired of trying to keep everything together. Partly because my feelings have been hurt. It's nothing major. Just didn't get the reply that I thought I would. Often I feel ignored. Insignificant. I tell my husband all time that if I just disappeared...nobody would notice until the dishes and the laundry started piling up and the floors needed swept. (or he needed his "needs" met...ahem) While I know this isn't true...its how I feel at the moment. My family takes me for granted. A LOT of the time.

Its not just my family. It seems that most of the time, people only contact me when they need me. Again, I know this isn't entirely true. I just feel like that here lately...its been really bad. Break plans with me, forget to call, ignore my texts? So what? People have lives. I know that. And I certainly don't expect to be number one on everyone's list all the time. Sure would be nice to be number one on someone's list once in a great while. ya know? And not just because they need a sitter or help with something. The thing is...I am a firm believer that we teach people how to treat us. I take full responsibility for the fact that most people can walk all over me and I am OK with that. I mean...for the most part I really AM OK with it. Ask anyone about me? You'll get "She's so niiiiiice. She'll do anything for you. She'd give you the clothes of her back if you needed it." Sigh........sometimes...it just plain sucks to have servants heart.

And as sad and terribly depressing as all the above woe is me crap sounds, I think the real issue is....I don't know when I started being the low man on my own totem pole. I don't know when I decided that the whole world's needs are more important than my own. I've lost myself. I am even struggling to put this all out in words. ME? Suffering from a lack of words? Hell just might have frozen over. I woke up in cold sweat the other night because I realized that I have become a "martyr mother'...you know, a mother who practically gives up everything, including her own identity. I am not Trista anymore. I am Jayden and Claire's mom, I am Greg's wife. I am the babysitter, neighbor, friend that everyone depends on and expects nothing in return....And while I am sure many people, myself included, could come up with hundreds of reasons why its not so bad to be those things...the point is I am no longer true to myself. I have no time to myself. I mean, I can't even sit in church and listen without being interrupted by "I need to go potty, I'm tired, is it time to go yet? What do you mean I have to stand up?" I need to do something for myself. All for me.

The problem lies with finding something that won't take me away from the needs of our kids too much or put us in financial ruin....I prayed. God answered.....Just not the way I hoped. I prayed for free time, yes. I prayed to be able to better reflect on His words, yes! I prayed to find my seff respect again, YES. I just hoped the answer would come in the form of winning the lottery so I could by a huge horse farm and spend my days on the back of a horse contemplating life. No, this was not the answer I received.

For the last two weeks, something has been telling me to RUN! RUN? WTF ever. I don't run. RUN! I only run if someone is chasing me. And even IF someone is chasing me, I will probably size 'em up to see if I can kick their boo-tay to keep from having to run. Add that to the fact that its fah-reakin cold this time of year and has a tendency to be icy out. RUN! No, I don't have true running shoes and don't really want to spend the moolah for new ones. Can a person run in flip flops? Those I have plenty of. RUN! I don't own any outside workout clothing for the winter. Seriously, I'll freeze my ba-donkey-donk off. Or is that the whole point? RUN! I am out of shape. Sure, I run up and down our stairs eleventy times a day but that's not the same as running. As in putting one foot in front of the other at faster than a walking pace, for an extended period of time. RUN! I would have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to run..when it's DARK and scary. Did I mention COLD? Yeah it's always darkest and coldest before dawn. RUN! My knees have been killing me lately and darn it, I am exhausted most of the time and where the heck am I going to find the energy to run?

Still I hear.....RUN!.

Run. Run. Run. Run.

All day, in the back of my head. RUN!

Aaarrrrggghhhh....so in effort to quiet this insistent urging, lest I have to be checked for schizophrenia. I am in, in fact, going to run. Well...not at first..but that's the goal. Starting tomorrow. On a Wednesday. Woo...now that its out there, I guess I have to follow through. It really is the most reasonable answer...quiet time all to myself for my own thoughts and prayers, Exercise to build my confidence, and it's free. I guess I should be careful what I ask God for. LOL! Still, winning that lottery would be nice. (How 'Bout it, Lord?)

So, If I don't call you, if I don't send you texts, if I am suddenly too busy to pay you any attention..don't worry. I have simply done what I was asked to do. I want to be on top of my own totem pole again. I want some confidence, some self respect....Some accomplishments that are all my own. And if I can muster up enough courage to sign up...I'll be signing up for a 5k in the spring.

Run, I heard.
Run, I am.
God help me.
No, really. Help me.

much love.

1 comment:

Kristine said...

Wow! Good for you! For recognizing your "servants heart" (never heard it put that way before) and for realizing some of it has to do with how your put yourself out there.

I've just started understanding that about myself, that what I put out to the world has a lot to do with what I get back.

I started doing karate last spring and it has been a wonderful thing for me. I hope running gives you the same release karate gives me.