I am broken.
These last few weeks, I have been feeling the weight, the complication, the heaviness of the world. Things are running through my mind, so much so that I have trouble sleeping. I am worn down and tired. And I have begun to find things annoying...Noises that are unnecessary such as TV make me crazy. Don't even get me started on leaf blowers...GET A BROOM PEOPLE!!! The thought of cooking a complicated meal makes my head spin..All the clutter, the mess in my home is eating away at my soul. I am so often a "rock" for people yet on the inside I am broken.
I am tired.
I am tired of internalizing the worlds problems. I am tired of being connected all the time. I am tired of complaining. Tired of nothing being good enough. Tired of being told how awful this place is to live. Tired of feeling guilty for being born here..in the Land of Free...where our streets may not be paved with Gold but they are paved none the less and we drive DRIVE on them with our many vehicles...I am tired of carrying the burdens and problems of others with me all the time. I am tired of being a dumping ground, sounding board, and the person who gives and gives and gives...yet never asks. I am tired of being a last resort, the fall back...the 2nd choice.
I am done.
I am done, broken, tired, sensitive, worn and overexposed. This life, the material things, this world? It all is SO complicated all the time. It's just too much for me. I just can't take the woes of world anymore. I can't take listening to problem after problem anymore. I am done with world news, I am done with drama of others lives...I am done with putting myself last..I am done filtering my responses..I am done internalizing everything.
I am fine.
Don't worry about me. I am NOT depressed. My marriage is FINE..better than it has ever been. I love being a mother and my kids are great, wonderful even. I have an amazing extended family that I cherish. I have a couple of flesh and blood friends and one or two cyber friends that I would lay my life on the line for. And before you think.."she doth protest too much" just know I do not have a mental issue. I do not need counseling, pills or any number of people calling me all concerned...There was no one incident that made me feel this way. There is no one person who this is directed at..It's just me, taking care of my needs. Me, laying it all out there. ME, deciding what I will no longer live with. ME, taking control of how things affect me. It's that SIMPLE.
And although I am rarely asked, I have needs too..
I need Simplicity.
I need less noise. Less TV blaring, less internet, less phone
I need less clutter, less stuff, less waste
I need less distractions, less complication, less complaining
I need less worldly things
I need people who want to be with me...not just when they need something.
I need to feel important
More importantly, I need more time with God.
I need more church time, more prayer, more contemplation
I need to sit alone and feel His grace
I need to spend more time in His word.
I need to be me..the me without distraction. I realized this year is almost half over and I can't remember how much of it I actually enjoyed. I am taking the time to enjoy a blue sky painted with soft white clouds. I am going to enjoy the sound of leaves rustling in the breeze. I am going to enjoy my kids laughing, enjoy my family, spend more quality time with my best friend who is my husband. I am go to take pleasure in a butterfly, enjoy the smell of baby Audrey before it's gone, cuddle with my dog. I am going to thank God for each and every breath I continue to take. I am going change my outlook...everything is a blessing, most people are inherently good and the world is a gift.
So, if I disappear. If I don't answer a phone call or if I take a few days to get back to an email...just know this, I am busy...I am taking control of the craziness. I am limiting the amount of outside that I allow to enter my new found serene life. I am simplifying my world. I am eliminating the noise and avoiding the commotion. And if I never get back to you...you just might be one of the changes I've made.
(Now, how do I convince Greg to get rid of the TV's??)
4 days ago