I started today. You know, my monthly visit from Aunt Flo....riding the crimson wave, my PERIOD. I always hated that term...on my PERIOD. It feels more like an EXCLAMATION to me. But I digress....This is probably not information anyone cares to know about me and truthfully, it's not that kind of information that I would normally share...except today I was a tad bit, a minuscule amount, perhaps just a little....disappointed. And it's weighing on my mind.
You see, my husband and I don't use protection when he...uh...rocks my world. I can't be on the pill for health reasons. And Condoms...well, yeah..they don't really work well when someone has an allergy to latex. We found that out the hard way. . So we use natural family planning and it works for us. I mean, we've only had ONE unplanned pregnancy and that was 9 years ago. Plus, we were newly weds, dumb and alcohol may or may not have been a factor. I'm just saying. We have since learned not to drink and...ummm..play baseball..so to speak. Our last baby was born nearly 6 years ago and we planned her. However, I guess, there is always a chance-albeit a very small one-every month..that I could be pregnant.
We don't think we really want any more kids. I mean, we wouldn't be upset if it happened but we aren't like..actively trying for them. And I can think of a million and one reasons why we don't want any more. Like...our kids are big and they can wipe their own butts. They feed themselves and buckle themselves in the car. They rarely get up in the night plus they don't cry for hours just because. They don't want to be held all the time. They can TELL us their needs. We don't have to buy diapers, formula, or baby food anymore. Trips outside our home do not require twenty-six bags, a pack mule, a couple of extra arms and a kitchen sink. That kind of rocks...Everything is so easy-peasy. Why would we want to screw that up now??
But then our youngest started Kindergarten this year and it seems that we have since been bitten by the baby bug. Suddenly we are cooing at little socks and sniffing any baby we can get our hands on...Because any parent knows that sniffing a baby is like crack to us. We can't get enough. We have strange fleeting thoughts like...another baby wouldn't be THAT bad. I mean, we are 10 times better off than we were when we had our daughter 6 years ago...and probably 1000 times better off than when we had our son. And those sleepless nights..they only last a couple of months, right?? And diapers? It's only a couple of years, not such a big deal. At least, that's how we remember it NOW. I am sure it was miserable at the time.
It doesn't help that we are around the most delicious babies ever almost every day. I am lucky enough that I am trusted with the care of three sweet babies a couple of times a week. And last week, when little Jax had a particularly clingy day and needed extra snuggles. I happily obliged, remembering what it was like to cradle my own offspring in my arms. Warm fuzzy break your heart cause it goes by so fast memories. It's not any easier for Greg. He can't come down the stairs and not pick one of the babies up to play with them. I'm telling you..they are like crack. We parents are baby crack addicts. The itty bitty toes make us think about itty bitty socks and shoes. OY!! the CUTENESS!!! The toothless grins and slobbery kisses are like heaven. The coos and giggles sound like angels singing. The chubby, dimpled hands might as well be candy bars. And OH...the smell!! It's intoxicating. One little sniff leaves us eying each other and whispering little promises of what will come once we have a moment to ourselves. There is NO aphrodisiac like a baby when you don't have a baby of your own but know that you could make one. Or at least pretend to make one.
Seriously, it's that bad. I would not even joke about something like that.
So, a couple of weeks ago, we talked about how baby crazy we both were. We decided we didn't want to necessarily try for a baby but if it happened, we'd be ok with it. We'd welcome it. Embrace it and be totally thrilled. While we are not comfortable with permanently preventing pregnancy just yet, we still plan on being cautious. Meaning we'd still avoid...uh....um....cooking noodles.... on those potentially fertile days...but...ya know? If God wants us to have a baby, we will. Right?? If not, so be it. And then we went on with our lives and continued....hummm....jump starting the car...as usual. Not really thinking about it again until September 1st. Which is the day I was SUPPOSED to start my cycle. Because the reason why natural family planning works so well for us is because I am very predictable. I know my cycle. I can practically tell you what hormone is being produced at what time. So when I was 5 days late...I thought, Could I be?
For a brief moment I was terrified because GAHHHHHHhh...Pregnancy and morning sickness and LABOR and IV's (nothing scares me more about giving birth than IV's. I mean...almost 9 pound baby and NO pain meds..FINE! BUT don't you dare stick me with that Fah-riggin needle!!!) And then I worried because..THE money and the space and the fact that I have nothing for a newborn anymore. AND private school?? How could we put THREE kids in private school? Then, 20 seconds later, I was all like...AWWWwwww, maybe a baby? I'd get to pick out baby stuff again and little clothes and little toys and little wittle ears and toes to nibble on. I could totally handle another baby.
BUT! I know myself and I know Greg's schedule. That makes it pretty easy to remember when we um....uh....mow the grass and it didn't happen during that brief little window when pregnancy is possible. I was pretty sure there was no way I could be. So I waited to go buy that pregnancy test. Thinking that maybe stress or something had thrown me off by a day or two. But Five days late? That was odd and I planned to buy a test today. I was both excited and anxious. Then Mother Nature reared her monthly head and now I know I calculated my ovulation correctly last month. I am not pregnant. I am a little disappointed. I am very relieved. It's a weird combination and I am still trying to come to terms with the maybe baby? Maybe not! roller coaster I just got off of.
Because truthfully, I don't know how I feel. Part of me really wants to create another life with my husband. I mean, he's always ready to ....um...you know...Plow the field. All it would take is for me to...uh...open the gate and let the tractor in...on the right day. However- then, I think about how I am half way to 32. Do I really want to start over?? As it stands now, we won't even be 45 when our daughter graduates high school. We'll be under 45 and FREE!!! The thought of that is very appealing. And I so much want that time back that we lost as newlyweds because I got pregnant 9 months after we got married. I'm fairly confident that we are done having babies. YET-that statement alone just makes my biological clock tick louder. Which just adds to the confusion. I think we are done. I am pretty sure we don't want anymore kids. But I am not "permanent birth control" sure....I am not confident enough to have either of us get internal body parts severed and tied off. Ya know?
That leads us to the question of in 12-14 days from today...do we..hmmm..uhhh...Complete the transaction?...or.....forfeit the race? I think I know. I am pretty sure we are through. I am more than pretty sure, I am almost positive. Yet, all I hear at night is TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK and I am not getting any younger. Almost positive is not 100 percent and I don't want to make a final decision just yet.
I guess it doesn't really matter at the moment, because for the next 5-7 days....the...uh..muffin shop is closed anyway!!!!!
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