Thursday, November 13, 2008

YEAH...and all that.

So several of you have asked about the skinny bitch diet and how I am doing...I know I kind of left ya'll hanging with about 5 days to go. Sorry about that. AND now it's been a month plus a week or two since I last posted about my diet, the weird way I eat....and my crazy mixed up life!
Here is a short list of crud I have endured in the last month and a half:

Issues with brothers.....not enough help in the house, them basically being SLOBS..ME!!!! TOTALLY stressed from it all...and hiding away in my room all depressed like.

Greg continues to work ALL the time...which I understand, because his part time jobs pay very well and we are lucky enough to be able to sock a decent amount of money away for a rainy day...YET..I NEED more than just passing each other in the hall..ME starting a days work and HIM going to bed...and So at night, I've been alone in my room all depressed like.

Reconnected with an old friend whom I cared for deeply...talked to said friend via facebook on daily basis for almost a month...old friend decided that reconnecting with me was not in my best interest (um..HELLO don't I get to decide that?) and deletes me from facebook...not realizing how much it would hurt me. (also not going to tell who this don't ask) Making me sad in my room all depressed like.

Dad comes to visit for a week...had a great time. Realized that he has to go home and face another surgery...which I won't be able to be there for. Also, surgery will take all of my mom's vacation time and they won't be able to come home for Christmas. Younger brother is now going there.....And I haven't had a Christmas with my family in 8 years..8 YEARS. I want to drive there but Greg says no...that's making me hide in my room all depressed like.
One of the kids that I watch...her family is falling apart. Mom and dad are divorcing and it makes me sad for her. My heart breaks every day and when she cries for no reason, I just sit and hold her, rock her and pray because she is so little and she doesn't even comprehend it's affecting her...but it does. I just hope that she makes it through it all ok. I love her like my own. AND this makes me pray in my room...all depressed like.

Went to the doctor...verified wheat sensitivity, was told by doc that skinny bitch people are crazies...oh and thyroid is whacked out again. Time to increase the meds just slightly and see if that helps. SO..that fact that I lost 8.5 pounds and am able to keep it off...MIRACLE by thyroid stand point but still makes me scream in frustration because..yeah..I am sick of it, sick of being stuck every 6 to 8 weeks and SICK of busting my ass just to shed a few pounds...shallow, I know. But I can't help it. AND this makes my hide from life in my room all depressed like.

SO...depressed enough that I need medication? NO. Serious enough to require a doctors visit...UM maybe. BUT A few days ago, when I was walking through the living room and made a silly face at Carinne (age 3..I watch her) and she said "ADDI ADDI Miss Trista SMILED. SHE SMILED AT ME" I realized that maybe I haven't been such a joy to be around. And the kids have noticed. Greg has said something about me gloomy mood here lately...but I just played it off as him not being around, him making a few off colored comments that royally tee'd me off, and me being a little sleep deprived...but really..I know. I am in a funk. I've got the blues.

To top it all off, for the last few weeks, I have totally blown the whole diet thing...I can't stop eating all the stuff I am not supposed to. I think that, for a while, I felt like it's not worth it. All the hassle and all the special meals..all the exercise...only to loose a little. BUT my doc says that's the thyroid talking (btw..I left my endocrinologist after she told me I was FAT to my face and then told me it was my fault because I am a lazy emotional eater. nice.) Now, I am with my old family doctor..who listened to me cry about all the stress and then told my that my endocrinologist was a bitch...seriously, he said that. haha. He is going to have a go at my thyroid and see what he can do to straighten me out. Then..if my mood doesn't improve..THEN we will talk about happy pills.

I think that the wheat thing has really thrown me for a loop...I was ok with counting calories..ok with giving up most meat products..but to find out, for sure, that wheat causes problems (I did this by the elimination diet) makes me want to cry...All I can eat is veggies and fruit, fish,some dairy. YUM. I love those things but's not fair. And theoretically, by eating like that, I should be dropping weight like hotcakes but NO..because of my thyroid, I can only manage a couple of pounds a month..that's just it will only take me 12 years to get to where I want to be. LOVELY! SO...THAT on top of everything I listed above..well, it feels a little heavy on my shoulders.

And now you know why I haven't posted. There is just no funny in me right now.

HOWEVER...As I sit here...with terrible stomach cramps and fighting the urge not to shit myself because I ate something I shouldn't have..I am reminded why I started on this quest in the first place. To feel better about myself and to feel better in general. And I am kicking myself for wasting these last few weeks....SO WHAT if I shouldn't eat wheat. SO WHAT if I am going to have to count calories for the rest of my life.'s going to be hard, but LIFE is hard...AND who are we to say what GOD puts on our plate? RIGHT?

Plus, I have a family that needs me, daycare kids that need a happy Ms. Trista and a husband that tries to get in my pants on a daily basis (and is successful about half the time) it can't be all bad right? RIGHT?

I guess part of me wishes I wouldn't have wasted that hot chick from my early 20's...part of me wishes I would have shown it off a bit...lived a little..because if I had know then, what I know now....WATCH OUT. I would have been quite the wild child..

But I guess..all roads lead to where I am now...and this is what I have to work with. It's better than the alternative. yeah...and all that.

No comments: