Friday, March 26, 2010

The sometimes Christian....

Last night I had the strangest dream...

(Bad 80's synthesized song interlude:)

I sailed away to china, in a little row boat to find ya and you said you had to get your laundry clean...Didn't want no one to hold ya what does that mean?? You said..

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride, Nobody gonna slow me down. OH NO!!
I got to keep on movin'!!

Wise words from Mathew Wilder!! Even if he did sing it with a bad fro, creepy mustache and leather pants. Been feeling a little down here lately and nothing can cheer a person up some some synthesized, reggae sounding, on a drum machine 80's music.

So last night, I really did have the strangest dream. I dreamt that I had been given to this rich man to be his wife..yet I still had my other family. I had to go live with man and he was nice. He treated me well...let me do whatever I wanted, I could buy whatever I wanted. I had freewill except I could only see and talk to my children on Sundays at church.

In my dream I was crushed, devastated. Crying and holding on to my children...begging for more time with them. I kept saying I don't want anything if I can't see my children. Each week on Sunday, I felt this. Each week The man promised that I could see them more, talk to them more...yet each week, I was back in Church crying and screaming and holding on to my children...begging for more time. I just kept saying " I don't know what to do, What can I do??" as the man would pull me away...

It was sad, it was awful. I woke up at 4 in the morning balling my eyes out. I did a quick mental check on the whereabouts of my babies and started to relax. I never did go back to sleep and my stomach kept growling so I decided to just get up and start my day. While I was downstairs heating up my left over El Jeripeo I had last night for dinner..(Don't judge my breakfast choices...I don't eat breakfast food unless its for supper)...I had this thought:

What if that's the way God feels?? I admit, more often than I'd like, I only talk to God on Sunday at Church. Oh sure, I send up little prayers here and there through out the week and we pray most days at meals...but a conversation? A visit? Many times, this only happens at church. And what if when I leave, God is screaming "I need more time, I don't know what else I can do??" What if when I leave, God is crying because he knows he won't hear from me again until next week? And what if, the devastation I felt is the devastation God feels because of our minimal relationship??"

Perhaps this dream is a wake up call??

I don't know. I don't want to be sometimes Christian. I try not to be. And yet, due to life in general...Often, that is exactly what I am. One of my biggest fears is that I will be lukewarm in God's eyes.

I am not sure what I am going to do about this yet. I just had to get this written out before it became a fleeting thought in my already over-crowded mind.

And now I am going to go hold my children...ALL DAY.

Much Love.

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